The Wizard of Irk
by Chokopoppo
Summary: GIR's malfunctioning mind has transported him into another dimension! It turns out to be Oz! A cracked up collaboration by Chokopoppo and Beastiemaker!
1. Choko's Turn

The Wizard of Irk

--

**Hey! I hate my life! But anyway, this is a collaboration between the two INCREDIBLY AWESOME authors BeastieMaker and Chokopoppo!**

_Yeah! SUCK ON THAT YOU FREAKING-_

**Anyway! (Beastie, shut up.)**

_I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!_

**Then be productive!**

**Anyway, as you may have noticed by now, we'll be switching this story back and forth. Yay, collaborations!**

_It's less trouble and it makes things WAY more interesting…Plus I get to screw with Chokopoppo's work~ Ufufufu…~_

**This isn't exactly a love-child, Beastie.**

_Debatable._

**But regardless of that, I introduce you to…drum roll, please…**

_No._

**Fine. I'll do the drum roll.**

**THE WIZARD OF IRK!**

_FEEL THE POWER OF OUR LOVE-CHILD-MONSTER-STORY!_

**I ALREADY SAID IT WASN'T A LOVE CHILD!**

~Scene missing~

**The storm crashed. Against the walls of…uh…Zim's house. Or something. Whatever.**

_Wao. You really kinda suck at this. Just…Stop. Stop sucking. Now._

**Psh. I do not suck. And I'll prove it.**

**The storm was really loud…wait, no.**

**FUCK IT THERE WAS A STORM.**

…_That was rather tasteless…How about you start with "The storm wailed against the windows of Zim's house, causing the entire residence to shake and shudder in the gale"?_

**BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS FUCKING GAY.**

…_Don't you LIKE yaoi…?_

**I BAN YOU FROM TALKING FOR THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER.**

**Anyway.**

**There was a big ass storm outside.**

**Not that it bothered Zim. Oh, no. He wasn't terrified of the rain pouring down, causing small pools of drip-water to form all over the floor from the cracks in his badly constructed ceiling. He was fine. Just…fine. Even the strange sound outside that sounded like thousands of his screaming fellow-Irks being slowly tortured to death didn't bother him. In fact, that actually bothered him less than the rain coming through the roof. Which didn't bother him.**

**It didn't.**

**The only reason he was even CONSIDERING going to the pathetic residence of The Dib-stink was because GIR was acting REALLY weird. As in, weirder than normal. The small robot was currently on the carpet doing some sort of weird dance on his back, which had to do with flailing his arms and legs and letting out a very un-GIR-like noise. If any other robot had acted like this, Zim would have dismissed it as being an ordinary malfunction, nothing more, nothing less. With GIR, however, you could never tell what was a malfunction, and what was something really wrong happening. Though he would never admit it, even under the cruelest of tortures, GIR was the closest thing he had to what the pathetic dirt-hyoomans called a 'family'. Which was why the strange behavior was really starting to bother Zim.**

**Ah, fuck it. It had started bothering Zim a few minutes ago, and now it was sending him into hysterics.**

**The worst part was that there was NOTHING wrong with GIR as far as the mechanics were concerned. Everything in GIR was working with perfect function. What was worrisome was that there was still something clearly wrong with the little robot, something that did not please Zim at all. The only thing that COULD be wrong was…well, the A.I. If the A.I. was broken, and wasn't fixed soon, GIR may very well not get any better.**

**Ever.**

**So Zim stared out into the storm that he wasn't frightened of(at all), and realized that he HAD to go to the house of The Dib-smell. If he'd had a nose, he would have wrinkled it. Just for comedic effect, of course. Not because he was frightened of the rain. AT ALL. Despite the fact, he couldn't stop trembling as he stared out into the water. No, he wasn't trembling. He was…shivering. Because…ehm…the heat had shut off. Which made him shiver. Yeeaah…**

**Zim scooped GIR up in one arm and felt the robot attempt to struggle out. Not that it would work. After all, he was ZIM, full of amazingness and glory! No amount of water could destroy him!**

**Which was why he chose the traditional 'Run-through-the-rain-screaming-with-your-arms-waving-over-your-head' method.**

**~!~**

**Dib stared out the window of his room perplexed. In front of his house, Zim was running back and forth yelling something. Actually, from the fact that he was in the rain, it was probably screaming. He wasn't sure what the 'in front of his house' was all about, but that was revealed when the alien suddenly came towards the house and hid under the small shelter by the door. Dib was downstairs in an instant, sleep-cuffs in his hand.**

**He was prepared this time! Zim would finally be dissected, and he'd be recognized and…**

**Dib was shoved backwards into his house as soon as he opened the door and Zim pushed his way in.**

"**What the hell, Zim?"**

**Zim was still steaming from his most recent, unfortunate encounter with rain. "I don't have time for your whatevers, pathetic worm-baby. Zim has very important things to do. So many things…"**

"**In my house?"**

**Zim, who had been very wrapped up in himself for a moment, blinked and looked at Dib, as though he'd forgotten the boy was there. "What?"**

"**My house, Zim. You're in my house. Now GET OUT!" Dib forgot about the sleep-cuffs. He just wanted the alien out of the house before it could be infiltrated and…have intelligence stolen from it. Or…whatever Zim would do. But Zim didn't make a move to attack Dib. He raised his hands up, palms forward, as though a gun had been put to his head. Dib smiled.**

**Right until Gaz shoved him out of the way.**

"**Zim, what's wrong with your stupid dog-robot-whatever?" She pointed an accusing finger at the spasming creature who Zim had dropped on the floor, something Dib had failed to notice.**

**Zim felt his tongue tie itself in a knot, literally. By the time he'd gotten it un-knotted, Gaz was looking seriously pissed at not being answered by now. "Well?"**

**The Irken gave a nervous smile. "His…his A.I. is…not in it's best…I mean…"**

"**You broke it." She stated simply.**

"**Uh, yeah, and, well…"**

"**And you're here because you think we can help you fix it."**

"**I never said that!"**

"**But that is why you're here, isn't it?"**

**Zim hung his head in shame. He had been bested by The Gaz-worm-baby. "…Yes."**

**Gaz shrugged. "Sure. We'll help." She turned to Dib. "Dib, you're helping." There was nothing in her voice that let Dib say anything against it. Then she walked over, grabbed the little robot, and pulled it down to the basement, ignoring it's very not-GIR-like shrieks and screams. Zim followed, as though genuinely worried about the little robot. But Dib was not to be fooled. This was some ploy. A ploy Zim had figured would work because his sister liked GIR, or, at least, didn't completely despise it with all the passion of a thousand burning (to-be-mega-nova) suns. And so he was wary.**

**Yes, very wary.**

**~!~**

**GIR was strapped down to a hard, metal table in Dr. Membrane's lab. Dib, Gaz, and Zim crowded around it. Gaz was, as usual, the one to break the worried, awkward silence.**

"**So what's wrong with him, exactly?"**

**Zim shook his head. "I don't know. Everything's all right with his system. But the A.I. is messed up, and I can't figure out why!"**

"**This is GIR we're talking about. Your creepy sidekick, remember? Since when is this weird behavior?" Dib suddenly had two pairs of very angry eyes on him. He shrank. "OK, so the behavior is a little weird, even for this guy."**

**Zim nodded. "That's what bothers me the most. GIR is just as far gone from 'normal' as you can go, yet he is even more 'not normal' than before. I'm…" Zim couldn't make himself say 'worried', so he changed the sentence. "…annoyed that he is acting strangely…Oh, for Irk's…!"**

**GIR had gone dim, his struggles coming to a sudden, disquieting halt. Gaz and Dib watched with mild interest as Zim, who had always been calm before, had a panic attack. "GIR! GIR! I order you to respond! Come on, GIR! Obey your master! Get up and become pest-like! GIR! GIR! GIR…"**

**It wasn't just harshness, which surprised Dib the most. There appeared to be actual concern hidden in Zim's voice, which made itself more and more apparent as Zim's little attack continued, right until Zim just about broke down. His little body was shaking from some sort of emotion that Dib couldn't place. For a human, he would have put it down as despair, but as far as he could tell, from four years of fighting the alien, Zim couldn't feel despair.**

**That was probably why he was so confused.**

**Gaz was the only one who seemed slightly in control. She proved this by splashing her soda on Zim, then kicking Dib in the shins. With Zim screaming and clawing at his face, rolling on the ground, and Dib rubbing his wounded shin, jumping up and down and repeating 'ow-ow-ow' over and over, Gaz took the opportunity to speak.**

"**OK, stupid and stupider. I don't know the first thing about A.I., so I can't do this by myself. You idiots have to do it, and I'll just make sure you don't kill each other doing it." Gaz crossed her arms and tapped her foot. Zim got to his feet, moaning pitifully, and Dib eased weight onto his leg. The two exchanged a glance, and, glaring at each other, began to work.**

**Meanwhile, GIR's (normal) strangely warped A.I. was somewhere else.**

**Ha! I have TACT!**

…_Myes, and I have male genetalia….Listen, that was simply wretched. I've found better things in my bloody RP forums…Things posted by small children and inanimate objects._

**Oh yeah? OH YEAH?! Well, maybe you should try writing an entire chapter BY YOURSELF, then, huh? THEN WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE TOUGH GUY!**

…_Female. As illustrated above. Do you never pay attention? And maybe I will write the next chapter simply to prove you wrong, eh? How would you take that, Ms. Mighter-Than-Thou?_

**YOU CAN STILL BE A TOUGH GUY EVEN WHEN BEING A BITCH.**

**But because I LIKE YOU SO MUCH, I'll LET you write the next chapter. DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN IT'S TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!**

…_I will take that into account, oh woman of a thousand screams._

**_INVADER ZIM DOESN'T BELONG TO EITHER OF US, SAD TO SAY._  
**


	2. Beastie's Time

_Okay…Next chapter~ You ready for this Chokopoppo?_

…**I'm not speaking to you.**

…_Then who just spoke to me? The wind? The earth? The trees perhaps?_

…**JUST YOU WAIT! VENGAAAAAANCEEEEE~!**

…_Vengaaaanceeee…Right. You go ahead and wait for that…I'ma write this chapter._

_GIR awoke, clutching his head with one hand and his precious piggy with the other. He was dazed, tired and more confused than usual but he hardly minded. The sky shone brightly above his aching metal skull and the earth beneath his feet was abnormally green and life-filled. Flowers waved in a lazy breeze and somewhere nearby a stream gurgled peacefully…_

_GIR's grin spread itself across his face twice over. "I think we're not the Master's Lab anymore Pigggy~"_

_That said, GIR dove into the organic life with a squeal of joy and proceeded to rip it apart. Flowers tore underneath cruel metal hands as he clawed through the earth._

"_OI! Wha'dya think you're DOIN'?"_

_GIR turned to see a gnome advancing angrily, his eyes flashing under his comically oversized sombrero._

"_I'M DIGGING A HOLE TO NARNIA!"_

"_GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!"_

"_But look at these cool red shoes I found!"_

_The gnome colored and clenched his fists._

"_THOSE WERE MY MOTHER'S, YOU __**SICK**__ BASTARD!"_

_  
His rage was wasted however, as the small robot had already skipped away, the shoes adorning his head like a pair of oversized ears._

"_I LOOK LIKE A BUNNY!" He squealed to the pig clutched in his arm. The pig did not reply, but instead contrived to wet itself._

_GIR didn't much notice._

…**That's so gross. This is **_**my**_** story, in case you forgot. Please stop grossing out my readers.**

_Hm? What was that? I'm sorry, I thought that you were done speaking to me, in case you forgot._

…

_Besides, this is a collaboration, is it not?_

…**But I conceived it. That makes it MINE!**

_No, I conceived it, I just didn't want to do it alone because I'm bored and out of practice…_

**Nuh-uh! Sure, you decided on the Wizard part, but I brought around the topic AND developed the plot and characters!**

_Actually, WE developed the characters, because you needed input. That's your fault. In fact, you only had the idea of making a having an invader zim crossplanting. As I recall it, you wanted a Lord of The Rings style one…_

**Actually, I initially wanted one for Pirates of the Carribean one, but trashed it last minute, thinking it overused.**

**But that's not the point. CONTINUE ON YOUR STORY, PITIFUL EARTH-WORM!**

**(…Wow, Zim is already rubbing off on me.)**

_Hmhm~ Your anger shows me that I have won. And I think I shall, oh small loud __**mortal**__._

_GIR traveled for a while, oblivious to the many creatures that tried to eat, damage, sell car insurance to or otherwise inhume him. He did not know which way to go, so he simply walked along the smoothest and most convenient path. This path took the form of a yellow bricked road which, while both worn and filled with potholes, was nonetheless easier to navigate than the dense forests that surrounded him. The metaphorical value of this was sadly lost as the robot spotted a figure in the distance._

_As he neared, the figure showed itself to be Dib, tied to a post like some sort of Jesus knockoff. He would have looked far more majestic and less bedraggled if it were not for the fact that he was tearing at his entanglement like a trapped wolf._

"_HI BIG HEAD!" GIR screamed. "WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE A CHRISTMAS TURKEY?"_

_Dib groaned and struggled even harder for a moment, before giving in and slouching sadly._

"_I'm stuck, there's straw in my shirt, and now Zim's crazy robot is here…How could this get any worse?" He lamented to the sky. The sky deemed Dib unworthy of speech, and thus remained silent._

_GIR was not listening though, because his attention had shifted so that now the only thing in his world was the small red ribbon tied to the base of the stick Dib was lashed to. With shaking hands and quivering eyes, he reached._

…_Unfortunately the hand that extended was attached to GIR, and anything attached to GIR was spastic at best and explosive at worst. The effect of this was that while GIR's hand did indeed tenderly caress that lovely strip of crimson velvet, the rest of his body lashed in such a way so that his leg cleaved through the wood just below Dib's feet._

_Dib crawled from the wreck of the post, feeling a newfound respect for the small robot. It seemed that the fool was capable of small miracles, if not rational thought…_

_He brushed himself off and held out a gracious hand. "GIR, I misjudged you. Please allow me to accompany you wherever you may go."_

_However his kind words were wasted, as GIR was already walking down the road, red ribbon triumphantly tied to his neck. With a sigh and a shrug, Dib followed him._

_-_

_See? That was much better, wasn't it?_

**Not really. I've never SEEN such a short chapter! Goodness, would it kill you to add a few more words? Or, like, more ANYTHING?**

_Hmph. It doesn't need to be long, it needs to be GOOD. It's not the size that matters, it's how you use it._

**Ooer.**

**But anyway, I still think mine was waaaay better. Just listen to the cries of the readers! They beg for me! They think your nose is fat!**

_-coughcoughschitzocough-_

_I beg to differ. Those fans obviously hunger for more of MY work… And they do not think my nose is fat, however they should be informed that you are not a natural redhead…_

…**CRAP! I MUST HIDE THE EVIDENCE!**

…_Myes…While she's hiding the "Evidence" I'll propose something to you, readers. How about you go ahead and vote on which one of us you like better? That person will get to write more chapters and such. _

_As for how…Well, first you find a virgin, and then you-_

**I'm back from hiding the evidence! Beastie, are you trying to de-purify MY readers?**

…_.You get the virgin to click on the "Rate and Review" section of the bottom of the page! That's how you cast your vote! You definitely don't write it in the blood of a small child conceived by a violated virgin, oh no…._

_**INVADER ZIM STILL DOESN'T BELONG TO US.**  
_


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